A selection of quotes from The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (1842–c. 1913). These are witty and cynical observations on human nature that generally stand the test of time well.
After the American Civil War Bierce taught himself journalism and got work in San Francisco where his linguistic skills and barbs earned him some measure of fame. It was in 1869 that he first had the idea for a comic style of dictionary – inspired by Webster’s Unabridged – but it remained a concept at this stage.
Following a failed mining venture in South Dakota, he returned to San Francisco in 1881 and revived his “Prattle” column for The Wasp magazine. This is where The Devil’s Dictionary starts to take shape and where Bierce considers it to officially start. Over the next five years a wide range of definitions appear.
From 1887 the rate of new words ebbs and flows, but in October 1906 some form of order was brought to his demonic wordplay with the arrival of The Cynic’s Word Book. It was a title that Bierce disliked and it strangely and incompletely only contained the letters A-L.
Eventually in June 1911 the first complete edition of The Devil’s Dictionary was published as the seventh volume of a Collected Works edition. It has been republished several times in various guises but Bierce never quite became as well-known as his abilities deserved.
ALONE, adj.
In bad company.
APHORISM, n.
Predigested wisdom.
APOLOGIZE, v.i.
To lay the foundation for a future offence.
BACKBITE, v.t.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you.
BEAUTY, n.
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
BELLADONNA, n.
In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
BRIDE, n.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
CANNON, n.
An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
CAT, n.
A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
CONSULT, v.i.
To seek another’s disapproval of a course already decided on.
COWARD, n.
One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
DIPLOMACY, n.
The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.
EDIBLE, adj.
Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
FAMOUS, adj.
Conspicuously miserable.
FEMALE, n.
One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
GHOST, n.
The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.
GRAVE, n.
A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
GUILLOTINE, n.
A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
HEARSE, n.
Death’s baby-carriage.
IMPUNITY, n.
Wealth.
KILL, v.t.
To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
LANGUAGE, n.
The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another’s treasure.
LAWYER, n.
One skilled in circumvention of the law.
LECTURER, n.
One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.
MINE, adj.
Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.
MISFORTUNE, n.
The kind of fortune that never misses.
NOVEMBER, n.
The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
OCEAN, n.
A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.
ONCE, adv.
Enough.
OUTDO, v.t.
To make an enemy.
PATIENCE, n.
A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
PEACE, n.
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
POSITIVE, adj.
Mistaken at the top of one’s voice.
PRAY, v.
To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
RESIDENT, adj.
Unable to leave.
RIOT, n.
A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
RUMOR, n.
A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
SAINT, n.
A dead sinner revised and edited.
SELFISH, adj.
Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
TWICE, adv.
Once too often.
YEAR, n.
A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.