The acidic observations of America’s wittiest woman of the 20th century are demonstrated in the caustic collection of quotes below.
Dorothy Parker (1893–1967) excelled within many forms of the written word – stories, poems, satire, screenwriting and criticism. She overcame an unhappy childhood in New York to seeing her work in Vogue, Vanity Fair, The New Yorker and Life.
Hers was a life less ordinary – she went to Hollywood as a screenwriter in the 30s and earned two Academy Award nominations. Then fell from grace in the Hollywood blacklist of the 40s and 50s as a result of her left-wing views.
Alan Campbell, her second husband, was a reputed bisexual and they divorced in 1947. They reconciled and remarried in 1950 but tragedy struck with his suicide by drug overdose in 1963.
Parker’s life ended on 7 June 1967 due to a heart attack. The will was bitterly contested and her ashes lay unclaimed for 17 years in her attorney’s filing cabinet.
While her writing was barbed and at times brutal, it hid a sensitive nature and an acute understanding of the human condition. There is great honesty and intelligence in her work that still shines like a bright light in our dismal world of platitudes and mendacity.
Parker was a phenomenal force in the 20th century and she would also have dazzled (and occasionally dismayed) the public in the 21st century of Twitter and talk shows.
“I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound — if I can remember any of the damn things.”
“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”
“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”
“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”
“I like to have a Martini, two at the very most. After three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.”
“Tell him I was too fucking busy — or vice versa.”
“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and she can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.”
“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it and it darts away.”
“A hangover is the wrath of grapes.”
“The only ‘ism’ Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.”
“Writing is the art of applying the ass to the seat.”
“All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.”
“His voice was as intimate as the rustle of sheets.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
“I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.”
“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
“If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”
“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.”
“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”
“Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.”
“She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”
“Some men break your heart in two, some men fawn and flatter, some men never look at you; and that cleans up the matter.”
On learning that Calvin Coolidge was dead she remarked,
“How could they tell?”
“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”
“Oh, don’t worry about Alan … Alan will always land on somebody’s feet.”
“I hate writing, I love having written.”